I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
