well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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