Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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