i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
