If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
