Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
