there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
