im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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