Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
