How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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