I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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