you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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