Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
