My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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