No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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