The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
