i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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