Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
