The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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