A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
