Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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