Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I love you. Go after that dick
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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