The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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