dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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