Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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