420 ftw
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
