When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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