you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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