i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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