My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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