Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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