So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
