dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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