It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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