I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
