i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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