I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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