somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
