His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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