ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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