I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
