What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
