I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
