You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
