Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
