I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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