My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
