Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
