i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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