Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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