non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
